Opinion

'The Truth,' enlightenment and Desperate Housewives

By Raymond Reid
Online Journal Contributing Writer

Download a .pdf file for printing.
Adobe Acrobat Reader required.
Click here to download a free copy.

October 26, 2005—Some 2,500 years ago Buddha settled under a fig tree where he vowed to stay until he found "The Truth." Well, he found it. Thus, he became "enlightened."

He pulled off this feat when he was only 35. I'm still trying.

But if Buddha had come along when I did, he'd still be trying, too.

For one thing, it's hard to find a good a fig tree to sit under these days. Fig trees have been uprooted by high-priced neighborhoods and low-price Wal-Marts.

It has been written that Buddha subsisted on one grain of rice a day. (There is no evidence that he ever ate figs). If eating one grain of rice a day signifies enlightenment, no one I saw at the all-you-can-eat buffet last week comes even close. Nirvana to them was just another rock band.

If Buddha could find a good fig tree to sit under these days it just wouldn't be the same. You see, it's a lot louder today than it was in 495 B. C. How could he hear himself think?—or much less hum his mantra—against a backdrop of planes, trains, horns, screams, gunshots, backfires and the P.A. system at Bill's Used Cars. Surely he would have a cell phone. And surely it would ring at the very moment he was "becoming one with the universe."

Yep, distractions abound when you're seeking enlightenment in today's world. Oh, I've tried. But I guess my problem is too much "multi-tasking."

It's hard to practice deep breathing, yoga, and Tai Chi while reading, "When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?" and watching Desperate Housewives.

I'm sure health guru Dr. Andrew Weil is much closer to enlightenment than I am. In a recent Time article he talks about meditation, nutrients, diet and exercise. Boring stuff, if you ask me. But I digress. Dr. Weil just turned 60 and celebrated with fellow high school graduates from the class of 1959. I'm worried that his healthy lifestyle is affecting his memory. People who graduate from high school in 1959 are usually 64 by now. Did he graduate from high school when he was 14? Maybe he did. Maybe he's just smarter than I am. And maybe he's found "The Truth" and attained "enlightenment." But if Dr. Weil's lifestyle epitomizes enlightenment, I'll just remain, well, unenlightened.

For exercise, he walks around in circles within the strange maze he built for himself. And he just ends up back where he started. "You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going," said Yogi Berra. "Because you might not get there."

Dr. Weil also meditates while sitting on a rug inside his house. There must not be any fig trees in Arizona.

His meditation techniques include deep breathing, yoga and Tai Chi. There's no mention of him performing these exercises while reading, "When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?" and watching Desperate Housewives. I'm sure the show isn't deep and meaningful enough for him anyway. Plus, he's too busy searching for "The Truth" on his journey (in circles) toward enlightenment. So he couldn't care less why Bree slapped her mother-in-law.

And he knows "The Truth" will never be found on Wisteria Lane. But I hope it is.

I'm dying to know the truth about that dude they've got chained in the basement.